Sonnet 001

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More than once, I have questioned Your judgment.

Not a quiet child I am, but a fool.

How I stood humbly for Your assessment.

Once more, you took a rebel for a tool.

Never can I ever deserve Your love –

Your name, too sacred for my sinful mouth,

impure, undivine servant you will have,

filthy earth, who can never keep an oath.

Hence, patiently you waited for this child.

Not to grow wiser but, to see the truth;

To preserve audacity and not to hide;

And give compassion for those who are hurt:

Yet at times, this child, a coward servant.

Here You remain still, Your heart filled with trust.

(c) Phoenix Montoya @ October 2, 2010

'For the loving and forgiving Father'

Dragonflies

I spent most of my childhood in my grandparents’ farm. My parents were not really farmers but back then, they enjoyed gardening and raising animals like pigs, chicken, goats etc.

Me and my younger brother Al would pass the day either by watching TV operated by my dad’s Motolite or spend the afternoon in the meadow, role playing as ‘the Bioman’ (yours truly was yellow four).

As a kid, staying in the farm was a bore for me – too quiet and there was nothing to do except to watch the farm animals, the rice fields and the sky.

One time, I finally complained to my mom with my sulkiest face.

“I want to go home!”

“Then go,” She simply replied.

My mom was a very wise woman. She knew how to deal with my tantrums.

I knew she was kidding but I went on anyway. I’d thought that I surprise my parents when they find me in town ahead of them.

Remembering the route my dad used to take, I started hiking for home. I was walking for about fifteen minutes when I decided to leave the main road and take a short cut.

That was a bad idea. Soon I was lost.

Trying to find my way back, I came across a clearing with some very tall grasses. It was then that I heard a rustling from somewhere. I panicked and started running, thinking of snakes.

I finally reached an unfamiliar road and there where people. I didn’t bother to ask directions though. For a twelve year old girl, I was still afraid of strangers. One of them – a woman, tried to question me, asking my name. But I just shook my head and ran again.

Mercifully with lots of prayers, I did find my way back.

I was still resting when my brother Al approached me. He was so furious. He was looking all over for me and it was time to go home.

I think, I didn’t tell anyone of my little miss adventure that day. My actions had been stupid and I was too ashamed to admit it. I was just so glad that I got back in one piece.

On our way home as we rode on my dad’s jeep, we saw hundreds of dragonflies over the rice fields by the road. It was an amazing sight – colorful groups fluttering in every direction.

I thought of my dad, my mom and my brother and felt very blessed that moment.

That was 23 years ago.

My poem ‘Dragonflies’ was in memory of my father who died December 28, 2009.

I was visiting my grandparents’ farm for some errands when the place just struck me. I guess, simply because, still missing my father.

Never Lost

My poem ‘Never Lost’ is a reminder for me never to give up with my writings. It is my own version of the saying, ‘Try and try until you die!’

I was once a youngster who considered myself as gifted. I was an airhead, thinking I can be better at anything if I wanted to.

Writing seemed to be another talent to me. I was wrong.

Rejected and criticized so many times, I realized that I was just another wannabe. I remembered quitting the first time writing made me cry. Crumpled all my manuscript pages and threw them away; I promised not to hold another pencil again.

I found it hard though. Each time I read or see a movie, I think of writing. Every time I go to bed or just look outside my window, something inspires me.

I was never good at keeping at promises, so I wrote again, worked really hard on another novel, then another rejection. So I quit again then wrote, then quit again.
Over the years, that’s what I did – quit and write.

Finally I’ve realized that writing will never leave my system. I can always ignore it but I’ll always think about it. I decided to embrace it – to accept my liabilities.

So, here it is – so what if others see us incapable? So what, if another hundred page novel gets wasted? So what, if you’ll have to endure three months of writing a piece then waiting another three months to hear if it gets a yes or a no? I have always asked myself, what is the purpose of writing for me? I had toiled, worked my hardest, wasted my time, slept late, woke up so early and how I’ve prayed so faithfully that someday, I’ll earn what is meant for me.

The answer is still unknown nevertheless for sure; I’ve realized writing completes me. I guess without it, I will be forever bored with my life.
My ‘Never Lost’, just hoping to inspire you.

Elisha

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You lay sleeping, my Elisha.

How your serenity touches me.

Mine for all eternity-

your heart, your body.

Made for each other my dear.

My lips for your kiss,

your face for my eyes.

Forever, my Elisha.

You had been blinded to see,

to refuse my love.

My utmost remorse,

but to strike your heart… a must!

Rest now my Elisha, my love.

We shall live together, forever.

Your cold body in my couch,

your heart… in my jar.

A poem inspired by Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘Tell Tale Heart’.

(c) Phoenix Montoya @ September 26,2010

Light Bearer

A story sent to me by a college friend via e mail, inspired me to write my poem ‘Light Bearer’.
The story was about a high school student who decided to remove his books from his locker. He was going to quit school permanently. He looked very sad, that a classmate of his went up to him and said ‘hi’.

They became friends since that day.

A year later while celebrating the day of their friendship, the boy admitted to his classmate that he was on a tremendous pressure that day. He thought he, couldn’t handle his life anymore. He was going to kill himself, fortunately his plans changed because ‘someone’ actually talked to him.

Amazing! I was deeply touched by the revelation, imagining WHAT IF?

So, here it is my poem ‘Light Bearer’- a reminder that we can all be saints even in our own smallest ways.

Conquering Fear

I usually encourage myself that the future is not something to fear. Whatever happens – good or bad, life goes on. We tend to heal and we forget. Soon bad experiences are apt to become mere memories. Like paintings, they fade until we can only think of them as dreams.

How many times have you been humiliated – saying or doing the wrong things that made the room roar with laughter?

How many times have you got turned down while hearing some unpleasant remarks about yourself?

The feeling could have been resentful and degrading. Fortunately, we move on forward. We learn from our mistakes and we get better. Then, we realize that our errors in the past are indeed some things to laugh about.

My ‘Conquering Fear’, just hoping to inspire you.

Great Friends

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Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

~G. Randolf~